1985: My carnivorous instincts at their finest – my mother races to my side when she sees me grab a cricket and shove it into my mouth. All that’s left? One cricket leg.
1991: On any particular day in my elementary school at lunch time, I would be in the ‘cafetorium’ bartering Lisa Frank erasers and Bubblicious for a piece of a swiss cake roll or the remainder of someone’s Lunchables Pizza.
1992 – present: Zebra Cakes and Star Crunch…
1993: My 5th grade teachers discover colorful fingerprints on classroom walls and on homework assignments. The culprit? A new craze in the fifth grade called ‘Happy Powder’. The recipe: sugar and Kool Aid powder mixed together and stored in ziplock bags. We brought them out during class and ate it with our fingers. We were all threatened with detention.
1996: Two friends come over to my house after school. For an afternoon snack, we mix together marshmallows, chocolate chips, peanut butter, fruit by the foot, and M&Ms in a bowl and microwave it all. The bowl of crap is washed down with Surge cola and Cheetos.
2000 – 2002: We are now allowed to go off campus for lunch in high school: Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, or Wendy’s every day.
2003: As a college freshman, I am tired of Ramen, so I survive for one whole week on bits of old birthday cake and sunflower seeds.
Thankfully, my digestive tract has proven to be much more resilient than I originally thought – unless there is actually some kind of evil mutant living inside me borne of all the food additives and chemicals I’ve consumed. I’m sure that if there was, it would look like a little something a gooey honey bun…and right now, I’d sell my soul for one of those…